NOGALES, AZ — The Southern California headquarters of Abercrombie & Fitch, which owns the Hollister brand, issued a statement today confirming the death of a controversial former executive.

Hugh Humbert-Lardwick, a regional vice president from the United Kingdom, made headlines earlier this year after leading a group of unwitting British employees to Hollister, California, where they suffered a harrowing two-day ordeal. Humbert-Lardwick’s vehement and widely publicized criticism of the city drew a raft of reporters to the sleepy Central California community, which resulted in more exposure than either of the Hollisters deserved or wanted.

Humbert-Lardwick’s inevitable downfall came shortly after he pressured Abercrombie & Fitch to sue the city over naming rights. His depictions of the town during the hearing shocked jurors and attorneys alike.

One juror told reporters, “It wasn’t that we didn’t believe his story of Hollister as a forgotten hamlet full of cannibalistic monsters and demon children who summon Satan in the corn fields; we did. It was just that he came across as batshit crazy.”

Transcripts from the trial render a similarly delusional portrayal of Humbert-Lardwick. When asked by the city’s legal counsel to recall his initial impressions of Hollister, Humbert-Lardwick offered this account, which ran in every paper in the state:

“The unutterable ghastliness of the place is the chief end to the means of its existence. There, the darkest elements of an immaculate grotesqueness and ignorance collide to form a perfection of hideousness. We were subjected to the most inhuman sights. Ramshackle wooden houses removed from the main roads, filthy hippies squatting on dank grassy slopes, diseased vines sprouting from unknown weeds and spreading through the swollen trunks of blighted trees. The children; oh my god, the children. An unholy brood of possessed witches who worship pagan gods which the practitioners of voodoo and Santeria fear to call. Unwholesome creatures who fly kites after dark. Who creep from alleyways to wander the streets long after midnight when the ice cream truck comes coughing through town, its broken speaker playing calliope music in reverse — a soulless clamor, like a fallen angel’s fart. The old rattling gates skirting the potter’s fields of what must have been farm houses once. Plaster peeling from walls. Doors snapping off their hinges. The peculiarly hateful odor. The cloying stench of ancient hay and dung and sodden boards and patchouli oil. It would be merciful, I think, to burn this city to the ground, for it must dream. It must weep.”

Following the trial, public opinion quickly turned against Humbert-Lardwick. Stocks in the company plummeted. Ultimately, Abercrombie & Fitch had little choice but to fire the disgraced executive.

Several months later, having postponed his return trip to Britain, Humbert-Lardwick landed in Arizona. He rented a studio apartment in Nogales and found work as a cashier in an adult entertainment shop where he sold pornographic literature, films and sex toys.

“He was a real hard worker,” said Lou Benford, proprietor of The Desert Bush. “Had that neat accent. All them homos liked to come in and listen to him talk. Real pretty when those Englishmen talk that way they do. He knew a whole lot ‘bout clothes too, which helped me move some of them frillies and delicates the ladies round here don’t fancy in general. I’m gonna miss him something sore.”

Humbert-Lardwick’s problems in Arizona began last week when Governor Jan Brewer signed into law one of the most hotly debated anti-immigration bills in recent history. The bill allows police to question and arrest people without warrant if “reasonable suspicion” about their immigration status exists. It’s being called the toughest crackdown on illegal immigration in the country, and critics argue that it legalizes racial profiling and discrimination.

On April 27, Hugh Humbert-Lardwick discovered firsthand the full force of the new law when police arrived at his apartment and demanded his papers. “It was clear to everyone in Nogales that this guy weren’t no native,” the police commissioner later said.

With only a British passport in his possession, Humbert-Lardwick admitted to the officers that he was working in the country illegally. Police searched Humbert-Lardwick’s property and found several unopened boxes of sexual paraphernalia from The Desert Bush in the kitchenette. One of Arizona’s “blue laws” makes it a state crime to have more than two dildos in the house. Fearing spending any time in the notoriously rough Arizona penal system, Humbert-Lardwick grabbed one of the eight firearms laying around his apartment and fled. He was gunned down in a hail of bullets just outside the complex.

Humbert-Lardwick will be charged and deported posthumously for living in Arizona as an illegal alien and for violating the state’s “two dildos” law. He will not be charged for possessing unlicensed firearms. As part of another provocative act, Governor Brewer recently pushed through a bill that legalizes the carrying of concealed firearms and other weapons without a permit for adults over 21 years of age.

Private services for friends and family will be held in Bristol, Avon U.K.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (GlossyNews) — James Randi, the renown 81-year-old skeptic, has escaped from the closet after keeping his sexuality a secret for more than 70 years.

Randi, formerly known as The Amazing Randi, began his career in Canada as a professional stage magician. Today, he is more widely known as a scientific skeptic who questions and disproves paranormal claims and pseudoscience, following in the tradition of Houdini. Randi has debunked more than 100 psychics and faith healers during his career, in a quest to rid the world of “hucksters.”

Most of Randi’s work is channeled through his James Randi Education Foundation, which challenges the notion of an afterlife and those who claim legitimate proof of paranormal, occult or supernatural abilities. His foundation sponsors The One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge, which offers a prize of $1,000,000 to anyone who can demonstrate evidence of any paranormal, supernatural or occult power or event, under test conditions agreed to by both parties.

To date, the money has never been given away.

Randi himself says the revelation of his homosexuality provides the most damning proof that human beings do not possess any psychic gifts.

Randi said, “Of all the people I have investigated — people like John Edward, Sylvia Brown and Miss Cleo — not one of these self-deluded clairvoyants could figure out I was gay? Hell, Uri Geller still hasn’t figured out that Clay Aiken fancies men. You’ve got to wonder.”

Randi’s detractors, with longtime rival Geller the most vocal among them, argue that “gaydar” is not a psychic ability. Geller responded, “Randi’s conclusion is invalid and immaterial. Being able to divine a person’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with paranormal powers. The man has no conviction.”

However, fellow skeptic and illusionist Derren Brown supports Randi’s position.

“Of course he’s right,” Brown said. “It’s quite simple, really. If people can believe a so-called psychic knows where a killer has buried a body, they should be able to grasp the idea that a psychic can tell us where Randi’s been burying his salami.”

WARSAW, Poland (GlossyNews) — Archaeologists working to better understand the reign of Hitler and his Third Reich have discovered food coupons for some of the notorious SS doctors at the Auschwitz death camp, including the sadistic Dr. Joseph Mengele.

Nearly 300 documents were found in the attic of a house undergoing renovation in Oswiecim, the town where the Nazis built the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp.

“Some of the sugar coupons uncovered bear the names of Horst Fischer and Fritz Klein, doctors who were executed for war crimes,” said Abraham Vogelbaum, the lead researcher on the project. “We know that these men were actively engaged in the atrocious experiments the Nazis performed on prisoners of war. These documents will help tell us the story of how Hitler’s staff at Auschwitz lived from day to day.”

Vogelbaum believes that among the most significant discoveries were documents that probably belonged to Dr. Joseph Mengele. Two coupons, one for sugar and one for butter, were made out for a “Dr. Mergerle.” There was no SS doctor by that name at camp, so Vogelbaum believes a clerk misspelled Mengele’s name.

Doctors and pharmacists at Auschwitz conducted pseudo-medical experiments on inmates. Mengele was among the most infamous of this group. His name is now synonymous with torture and sadism. He escaped after World War II and evaded capture for the rest of his life.

Despite the excitement surrounding the find, other researchers say the documents paint a more important and sweeping portrait of Germany at the time, which is being ignored.

Greta Freigeld, a historian and anthropologist at the University of Heidelberg, said, “Everyone seems to be missing the glaring fact that Hitler’s officers were living on food stamps. This pirate led one of the world’s richest countries, but his workers were living on food stamps. Seriously, he paid them like U.S. air line pilots. Who could survive on that salary?”

Hitler oversaw one of the greatest expansions of industrial production and civil improvement Germany had ever witnessed, predicated on debt flotation and military expansion. He also presided over one of the largest infrastructure improvement campaigns in German history, with the construction of dozens of dams, autobahns, railroads and other civil works.

“Hitler came to power during the devastation caused by the Great Depression in 1930,” Freigeld continued. “And although he used agitation and fear to ascend, he rebuilt the economy into one of the most powerful in the world at that time. If his men had to resort to food stamps in order to get basic provisions, we can say that Hitler was not the socialist dictator everyone presumes: he was Europe’s largest corporate capitalist.”

Economists throughout the EU have supported Freigeld’s assessment.

“It really makes sense,” said Benjamin Reed, a professor of economics in Great Britain. “Hitler created a profitable industrial empire off the backs of middle and lower class members. He engaged in a baseless war of conquest to gather more resources for his empire. He put in place a congress that consistently voted against the best interests of its constituency in favor of the Nazi corporate machine. He and his executives snorted their meth and collected their bonuses, the whole time robbing German consumers blind, until they eventually destroyed the national economy. And all the men who worked for them, who helped these undeserving and entitled robber barons get rich, were themselves living on substandard wages. I don’t see anything ’socialist’ about it. It looks more like a black and white photo of Enron and AIG from here.”

Reed added, “But to be fair, Hitler did provide universal health care. And that alone makes him a dangerous and psychopathic fascist, not necessarily deserving of the label ‘capitalist.’”

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday.

York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers and analysts doubted the company’s future. York took the position when Steve Jobs returned to the technology giant he co-founded after more than a decade away from the company. Together, they reinvented the Apple brand and took the organization from pioneer to mainstay to juggernaut.

“Jerry has been a pillar of financial and business expertise on our board for over a dozen years,” Jobs said. “It’s been a privilege to know and work with him, and I’m going to miss him a lot. But fortunately, we’ve found a replacement Jerry. Jerry Sargent.”

Without making a formal announcement to shareholders, or even to other board members, Jobs plans to replace York with Sargent as though nothing has happened.

“No one reads your magazine,” Jobs pointed out, “so I’m not worried about this story catching fire.”

Despite the fact that York and Sargent look nothing alike, have noticeably different personalities and wildly opposite business philosophies, Jobs said he needed to roll the dice and fill the spot immediately.

“We’ve gathered too much momentum with the release of the iPhone 3GS and the new iPad to take a break now,” Jobs explained. “This had to happen. All that matters is that we have a Jerry in the house. Otherwise, the entire Apple family would fall apart.”

But Jobs also admitted that people would be slow to accept the presence of Sargent, a warehouse worker who was beginning an on-line MBA program at University of Phoenix. “This will be especially hard on York’s wife, Samantha,” Jobs said.

York was often described as tough but good natured, boyish and hard working. Those closest to York called him a loving father and husband. Sargent, according to Samantha, “is lot more serious.”

She said, “He doesn’t seem to have the same tolerance for my family. They can be odd and even a little abusive at times, but he reacts so much more aggressively than Jerry [York] did. Especially around my mother.”

Samantha’s mother, Endora, has an overprotective streak that manifests itself as a penchant for name calling.

“She’s already started calling me things like ‘Jurwood’ and ‘Jervis’ and ‘Jabberwocky,’” said Sargent. “Mostly, she just calls me ‘What’s-his-Name.’”

“I’m a little worried,” confessed Samantha. “My mother’s a powerful woman. She tried to help Jerry [York] before, but it always led to arguments. I think that was mostly because Jerry wanted to earn his own way. With Jerry [Sargent], it’s all out war between them. I’m afraid I’ll come home one day and find him, well, changed. She can do that.”

“The good news,” said Jobs, “is Sargent’s gay. So, Samantha won’t have to worry about an uncomfortable romantic living situation. I’ve paid off a lot of people to make this happen, and I’m hoping they can learn to get along. Frankly, I’m eager to see how things progress. I loved Jerry York, but strange things always seemed to happen when he was around. Like witchcraft or magic or something. With any luck, that will all go away with Sargent in the picture.”

PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for what amounted to a bureaucratic blunder.

Most analysts concede that Pak was guilty of nothing more than a botched economic reform policy, but the government accused him of conspiratorial activities, underscored by intimations of revolution. On paper, the sentence pronounced Pak the “son of a bourgeois, conspiring to infiltrate the ranks of revolutionaries to destroy the national economy.”

South Korean journalists who regularly monitor the situation in the North describe Pyongyang as operating under intense pressure to relieve problems that could upset the stability of its leadership. Because Kim Jong-il’s health has steadily deteriorated over the past year, officials are rushing to prepare his successor. The last straw for Pak, they say, was the threat of his blunder jeopardizing Kim’s succession process.

“My mind been going south for years,” the world’s most colorful and demented despot told reporters. “Now my body follow. But nobody gonna screw this up for my sons.”

Kim retired to his palace study after making the announcement, where he donned a feather boa and ordered his aides to re-enact the film “Purple Rain” in their pajamas.

But news of the execution, however localized, managed to draw a surprising amount of attention from politicians in the United States.

“Let’s just think this over,” mused Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY). “North Korea may be a little batty, but it’s a country just like ours, right? And like the U.S., North Korea’s going through a tough slog economically. They say it was just a policy blunder, that execution was too extreme. I don’t know how I feel about that. Wouldn’t you say that, oh I don’t know, failing to accurately price the risk associated with crappy home loans qualifies as a little blunder? And that little oopsie led to a liquidity shortfall that bankrupted America.”

Vice President Joe Biden also approached the news with an open mind, reminding his peers that “it only takes one snowball to cause an avalanche. Hell, it only took one sperm to create Dick Cheney, even though hundreds of machines are required to keep him alive. Point is, Kim’s on to something, and I don’t want to rush to judgment on this, especially in the middle of Secretary Clinton’s efforts to resume diplomatic talks with Pyongyang.”

“I agree with them both,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “The way I interpret it, it’s text book treason. A small group of individuals acted out of self interest and ruined the economy. Just like what happened here a couple of years ago with Wall Street executives. Intentionally sabotaging the ability of a country to operate, to support its citizens and to defend itself is treason. North Korea punished its malefactors properly. What did we do? We made sure the traitors got billions in bonuses, and we pulled that money right out of the asses of middle-class tax payers. They’re never going to see that cash again. And then we fed them some bullshit about owning the banks but having no power over them. Bullshit. I’m sorry. Please pardon my language, I just had lunch with Rahm Emanuel.”

Holder added, “You know, back in the days of Jefferson, treason was punishable by firing squad on the White House lawn. I say there’s a precedent. Honestly, it’s the only reason I haven’t pushed back as hard on all this OpenCarry stuff. When the time comes, we’re going to need as many marksmen as possible. There are a lot of bankers in this country. Really, bullets are a hell of a lot cheaper than TARP. We had Geithner crunch the numbers.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner didn’t share the same sense of enthusiasm. He cautioned, “I think we’re opening a can of worms if we seriously entertain the idea of making North Korea’s ‘frontier justice’ an international precedent for penalizing fraud, whatever the scope. Biden actually wants to use to same wording — all that stuff about entitled bourgeois children infiltrating fringe groups to bypass regulation, then ruining the national economy. It makes me nervous. And would that even apply in this situation? Our government’s far too big and overly regulated to allow a bunch of wealthy, mollycoddled elitists to take over the country and its banks. This is America, where our president and vice president come from working class families, not dynasties. This isn’t the plot of an Ayn Rand novel.”

Biden was overheard disagreeing with Geithner on the phone. “The hell it isn’t, Timmy. Christ, we all know Greenspan did her. It’s exactly a page out of Ayn Rand. And you know what that story’s called? ‘Atlas Farted.’ Now sack up, get your rifle and meet us out front.”

POMONA, CA — Captain Clarence Oveur, an aviation legend, has died of a heart attack. He was 83. 

Oveur was one of the heroes responsible for the successful landing of distressed Trans American flight 209 to Chicago in 1980. Flight 209, as many remember, was plagued by a series of uncanny disasters. The most critical concern for the crew was transporting a very sick child to Chicago in time to make her connecting flight to Minneapolis. The girl, Lisa Davis, was in need of a heart transplant. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic had located a donor, but Davis would need to be on the operating table within six hours. To complicate matters further, inclement weather had impacted many of the available routes. A stalled storm front near the Dakotas, backed all the way to Utah, forced Oveur and his pilots to plot a course over Denver. However, after encountering unusually heavy turbulence above Colorado, Trans American 209 had no choice but to climb to a higher altitude, compromising precious time.

The situation worsened when a breakout of salmonella was discovered, which eventually poisoned Oveur, his co-pilot and the navigator. Fortunately, a physician was traveling aboard the plane. Dr. Alan Rumack attended to ill crew members and passengers throughout the emergency. His description of the symptoms that incapacitated Oveur would prove instrumental a few years later in helping the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) understand the “Norwalk Virus” that wreaked havoc on cruise ships.

According to Rumack’s 1982 testimony before the National Transportation Safety Bureau (NTSB), the outbreak “started with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrated the red blood cells, the victim became dizzy and began to experience an itchy rash. Then the poison went to work on the central nervous system. Severe muscle spasms were followed by the inevitable grueling. At that point, the entire digestive system collapsed, accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence, until finally the poor bastard was reduced to a quivering, wasted piece of jelly.”

But Oveur remained conscious long enough to help a flight attendant, Elaine Dickinson, activate the automatic pilot. He then directed her to attempt to locate a passenger with previous aviation experience. Dickinson’s former fiance, Ted Striker, a veteran fighter pilot, was traveling to Chicago from Los Angeles on the same flight. Striker ultimately landed the plane with guidance from air traffic controllers. Through these actions, Captain Oveur directly influenced a positive outcome to an otherwise insurmountable disaster. There was no loss of life or serious injury to anyone aboard the plane. 

Clarence Oveur will be remembered as a brave and serious man. He enjoyed spending his free time hanging around gymnasiums, watching gladiator films and studying the Turkish penal system. He is survived by his wife and their prized stallion. 

The family requested a private funeral, and members of the press were not allowed to attend. GlossyNews reporters asked one employee at the cemetery to describe the funeral. His said, “A funeral? It’s a sad occasion to honor the dead, where family members put their deceased loved one in a wooden box and then bury him in the ground. But that’s not important right now.”

MIAMI, FL — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin.

The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police used dental records to identify her. The sketch was based on the accounts of several witnesses who saw a strangely dressed man with the model after she became separated from her boyfriend in one of the area’s crowded night clubs.

Shortly after the picture was released to the media, tipsters began flooding police hotlines with details on the mystery man’s identity.

A spokesperson for the sheriff’s office released this statement early today: “We first want to thank all the concerned citizens in the community for your outpouring of support and invaluable information — especially the children, for whom this must have been particularly difficult. But we can now say with certainty that the costumed crime-fighter known as Mystery Man is our prime suspect in this case. All other persons of interest have been cleared of suspicion at this time.”

The announcement came as a powerful shock to Miami residents and police. “For decades, Mystery Man has helped bring down some of the city’s worst drug dealers and organized crime syndicates,” one officer said. “Now it appears he’s chosen the other side of justice, using his powers for the forces of evil.”

Mystery Man first emerged on the scene in the mid-1990s as a masked vigilante in a magenta body suit, cape and cowl. During his initial adventures, however, conservative residents in Florida were slow to accept Mystery Man. They found the hero’s attire suggestive, sexually provocative and confusingly androgynous.

“I could never tell if Mystery Man was trying to make a political statement or if he was just a drag queen,” said one area resident. “Round here, neither would surprise me.”

The two elements of Mystery Man’s outfit that raise the most eyebrows are his mask and protruding, nippled chest plate. The mask appears to be fashioned from black nylon hose and offers no facial features except for a mouth crudely painted in pink lipstick. Around the pectoral rings of Mystery Man’s armored chest plate are two brass circles. On the left is the male symbol — a circle with a protruding arrow — while the female symbol — a circle atop a cross — adorns the right. A protective cod piece in the form of a question mark is also worn. It has been suggested that Mystery Man may be a hermaphrodite.

Little is known of Mystery Man’s actual superpowers or tactics. The District Attorney says the avenger’s victims are usually found deposited on the steps of the police station, tied up in bondage gear, gimp suits or other sadomasochistic sex paraphernalia. The victims are almost always drugged.

Police officers also assert that despite Mystery Man’s gaudy demeanor, he can assimilate into any club in Miami’s vibrant night life without notice.

“From what I’ve seen and heard,” said a local club owner, “Mystery Man poses as a tranny crack whore to lure criminals into secluded alleyways and motels. Then he doses them up with rufies. When the cops find them, they don’t remember where they’ve been or what’s happened to them. I guess that’s the ‘mystery’ part, huh? Anyway, almost all of his victims have been sexually violated with a…well, it’s disgusting. I mean, it ain’t no mystery what happened to them. The first time Mystery Man dropped a crook off at the police station — some small time pusher, I think — he left a note on the guy that said, ‘Just a taste of your next 5 to 10 in county.’ The drug dealer had been violated in every orifice.”

The District Attorney said, “Yes, we agree it’s extreme, and we certainly don’t endorse vigilantism. But it’s a hell of a deterrent.”

Heinrich Guff, a private investigator familiar with the superhero’s work, reiterated that until all the facts are in, Mystery Man is presumed innocent. “He’s just wanted for questioning at this point. My guess is he’s being framed by the cartels who control contraband in the area. That, or we’re going to find out former Representative Bob Allen’s got himself a new job. And that he’s still afraid of black people.”

LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Troubled 23-year-old celebrity Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against E-Trade for allegedly using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing baby with a substance abuse problem. The substance in question being milk.

In the ad, which first ran during this year’s Super Bowl, an infant boy apologizes to his girlfriend over the phone for not calling her the night before.

“And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?” the girl asks before another baby girl appears on the screen saying, “Milk-a-whaaat?” in tones slurred to imply intoxication.

Stephanie Ovadia, Lohan’s current lawyer, said, “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit. They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan?”

The spokesperson for Grey Group, which produced the “milkaholic” commercial, explained that they “avoided using the name Susan because we thought people would be reminded of Susan Dey from the Partridge Family. As a young actress, Dey had bouts of anorexia and bulimia, as well as a later period of alcohol abuse. Because she is so talented and beloved by so many, we decided to use a less emotional name — one that we thought most viewers would ignore or not care about. Lindsay is a very popular name, but it isn’t really associated with a significant personality in the public eye.”

A production assistant on the shoot said, “They just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team. Tragically, her daughter Lindsay truly is addicted to milk. It’s disgusting. She slurps it right out of the container. She bottles her own breast milk and drinks it at her desk. When there’s no milk left in the fridge, she tries to melt down cottage cheese. She has a real problem.”

Lindsay Lactor, the actual milkaholic, is now suing Lindsay Lohan for suing E-Trade because the exposure has made her own struggles with addiction an embarrassing public spectacle.

Lohan’s attorney brushed off the Lactor dispute and reiterated, “This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

The challenge for Lohan, however, is that prior to launching the suit, nobody thought about her at all. Legal experts say this may jeopardize her chances of getting the case before a judge. “Plus,” said one analyst, “if she gets in front of a judge, she might end up back in jail for outstanding warrants.”

Still, Lohan remains steadfast in seeking an injunction to force the spot off the air. She is also demanding $100 million in damages. “That should just about cover my drug debt through April,” Lohan posted on her Twitter page. Her three followers wished her luck.

AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards for public schools, the Texas school board has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum that would highlight the underrated achievements of conservatives, emphasize the role of Christianity in American history and include Republican political philosophies in textbooks.

The board is expected to take a preliminary vote this week on a cornucopia of changes proposed by the seven conservative Republicans on the board. A final vote is expected in May.

Conservatives argue that the existing curriculum unfairly touts the accomplishments of liberal politicians but gives less importance to efforts by conservatives like President Ronald Reagan to limit the size of government. They cite liberal failures such as Social Security, the New Deal and the Great Society as catalysts for the revisions.

“The way I see it,” said Joe Daunch, an unemployed electrician from College Station who co-chairs the board’s conservative faction, “none of these programs contributed to the prosperity of the country. Sure, the opposition and its activists — you know, historians — argue that these initiatives ended the Great Depression, but we disagree. The Great Depression wasn’t a problem at all. It was an economic weeding out of the infirm and the under-performing. Had liberals let the market take care of itself, America would have emerged with one class of nothing but wealthy citizens. A missed opportunity, really.”

When asked if his take on this economic thinning of the herd could be described as a form of social Darwinism, Daunch said he felt it was more akin to “fiscal Calvinism,” where the truly chosen prevail while all others perish in the hellfire of their own kindling.

Additional examples of sprawling, massive government entities include the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), the expanded warrantless wiretapping program and the Office of Faith-based Community Initiatives, a lot of pork that could benefit from some trimming.

“There is simply no balance in the text books today. It’s all ‘melting pot’ this and ‘equal rights’ that and ‘freeing the slaves.’ And when they talk about the country’s first entrepreneurs, they use pejoratives like ‘Robber Barons.’ Nobody talks about how the antebellum South managed to obtain state’s rights nationwide. Look, we’re not suggesting that the history books be rewritten to talk about Republicans only; just those Republicans who came into office after Eisenhower — a president who, one could argue, was virtually a communist, with all his talk about excluding the military industrial complex from the nation’s economy. Sorry, Ike, but without military spending, we wouldn’t have thriving aviation and manufacturing sectors. The Army Corps of Engineers builds our levees. Can you imagine what would happen to cities below sea level if we didn’t have protective walls?”

The conservatives on the board also complained that Republican trailblazers received short shrift during the last 50 years by socialist publishers. Ronald Reagan’s economic policies, for example. By the late 1980s, middle-class incomes were barely higher than they had been a decade before — and the poverty rate had actually risen. But at the top of the spectrum, the rich had gotten richer, which the group says demonstrates the successful growth of the nation’s wealth under Reagan.

Richard Nixon’s unprecedented efforts to collect intelligence during the Watergate Era resulted in superior spying and surveillance techniques that saved the United States from untold terrorist threats. And although Daunch admitted that George H.W. Bush cowered from confronting Iraq, he went on to point out that George W. Bush salvaged the situation by deposing Saddam Hussein. Iraq has a thriving democratic politic system and, once secular, now enjoys religious freedom. Conversely, the group says, Clinton failed to change Iraq during his cursory engagement there. His failure to destroy al Qaeda after attacks on the World Trade Center in 1993 and the U.S.S. Cole in 2000 paved the way for the carnage of September 11, 2001.

There have also been efforts to parse and amend, where necessary, discussions on the civil rights movement.

Daunch said, “If we do nothing in this country but talk about how everyone can have a level playing field to succeed, we set unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes among minorities. When they inevitably fail, doesn’t it seem that we’ve done more harm than good? The government shouldn’t be responsible for making the sure their glass always seems half full, when in reality it’s just a few drops of malt liquor in an otherwise empty Dixie cup.”

Another proposed change removes any reference to race, sex or religion in talking about how different groups have contributed to the national identity. “When you realize that white people did all the work building this country,” Daunch continued, “it just makes the other races feel bad. We’ve given them a pretty good ride. Affirmative action, sharecropping, railroad industry jobs, cheap education, and what have they given back? Not much, considering the welfare system. This amendment was specifically added to appease the liberals. But they’ll complain about anything.”

One board member said publishers should “describe the effects of increasing government regulation and taxation on economic development and business planning.” She pointed out the devastating losses and staggering unemployment rates among teachers, police officers, fire fighters, financial institutions, air lines and automobile manufacturers. “All regulated industries,” she added.

“Country and western music” will also make the list of cultural movements to be studied. Alan Jackson’s chart topping hit “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)” includes the line, “I’m just a singer of simple songs / I’m not a real political man / I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you / The difference in Iraq and Iran.” Daunch asserts that singers like Jackson astutely illustrate the abysmal state of our current educational system. “Kids don’t understand the geographical and political issues of the Middle East. We want to correct that.”

A surprising number of concerned citizens attended the meeting to support the amendments, including some who were enraged at “socialist tendencies in Washington.” One man asserted that the Tea Party movement should be included in the textbooks, but not “the thing with the Indians that happened in Boston.”

“Conservatives need to take back control of the messaging,” said Zeke Merfkoppen, one of the Texas Seven, as they are being called. “We’ve let the liberal socialists control the media for too long. Hollywood? Book publishers? These are artists. These are bleeding heart liberals who aren’t interested in business. Making money is the foundation of our free market system. Hollywood liberals just want more regulation. They’ve got ratings for everything. They want the MPAA, the FCC and all these other organizations around to regulate them. And the publishers? They have no moral compass. I defy you to find one book in print that praises Christianity and the salvation accorded to followers of Christ. No? Didn’t think so.”

“You can vilify anyone,” concluded Daunch. “Hitler’s engineers brought us some of the biggest technological advances in history. He restored a sense of national pride and patriotism, ended inflation and curbed a population explosion that was out of control. Mussolini made the trains run on time. They don’t run on time here, do they? Once we’ve finished revising the inaccuracies with our curriculum, perhaps our European friends will follow suit. I read a German history book once that made no mention of the ‘Holocaust.’ It’s a hard thing to prove, really, so why stir up undue controversy and conspiracy theories, like we do with all that Kennedy-Oswald stuff?”

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — Former New York Representative Eric Massa admitted to groping male staff members, but claims that he never behaved in a sexually inappropriate manner. Massa, age 50, went a step further and told reporters that he didn’t think rough-play with other men unusual. But aides and staffers didn’t seem to share Massa’s fondness for horsing around. One aide said, “It’s like that old song. You say tomato, I say molestation.”

Massa resigned on March 8 after facing an ethics query filed by his former Legislative Director Ron Hikel.

When asked to explain his actions, Massa squandered an opportunity to defend himself by proudly elaborating on his antics, which served only to muddy the already turbid waters of his case.

“Not only did I grope him,” Massa said, “I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe, and then four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday. It was ‘kill the old guy.’ You can take anything out of context.”

In fact, Massa cited several instances where his fun-loving, easy going, sexually ambivalent games had been taken out of context. He discussed a backyard mud wrestling competition he co-hosted with disgraced former Ohio Rep. Bob Ney. “Yeah, those were good times. Me and the Cleveland Steamer, that’s what I call old Bob, had this kind of hazing day for all the incoming Tribal Council members. We’d strip them down to their skivvies, play a little ’smear the queer’ and leg wrestle them in the mud. Called it ‘Custer’s Last Stand.’ Now, that all got mixed up with the Abramoff Indian gaming nonsense. But it was just a little male bondage…bonding time, I mean.”

He also alluded to a game he called “Blumkin,” which he and former Sen. Larry Craig created. It involved aides and an airport restroom, but the details were sketchy. “Hard to explain,” Massa said. “There were a lot of rules. Most of them were devised by Dirty Sanchez — that’s what I call Larry. I guess you could say it was a cross between a scavenger hunt, a Breathalyzer test and an elephant walk, if you know what I mean.”

Massa said that he took physical bonding time seriously with his staff. “We operate very much like a fraternity here. Or a ship full of men. Or the YMCA circa 1975. There’s always a certain amount of hazing. It’s how you build trust and let off a little steam. I mean, you could go out in the forest with a bunch of guys and bang a drum, cry about your feelings or get in touch with your manhood, but honestly all that Iron John crap just sounds so gay, don’t you think? Tickle fights, locker room towel wars, a manly bout of grab ass, those are the pastimes of a man’s man.”

While acknowledging the self-destructive chain of events that led to his resignation, Massa accepted responsibility for his actions and added that he had trouble translating his days as a sailor to those as a congressman. He offered pictures from a Crossing the Line ceremony in 1983 to demonstrate that his recent behavior wasn’t as bad as the media have depicted it.

The ceremony in question is a ritualized form of abuse used to initiate new sailors after their first crossing of the equator. Sailors undergoing the ceremony are physically and verbally abused before being subjected to an act called “sump on the rump,” where a dark liquid is daubed over each man’s anus and genitals. Shipmates then take turns assaulting the victim with a long stick. The U.S. Navy has since cracked down on this practice, which it considers a form of rape.

After viewing the images provided, which made 1991’s Tailhook Incident seem as innocuous as an Oprah Winfrey garden party, many were ready to concede Massa’s point: his congressional manhandlings were considerably more savory and professional than his participation in naval Crossing the Line ceremonies, where he described himself as “quite a skilled broom man.”

“If you were to take this out of context today … Can you imagine transporting back to this today? It looks like an orgy in Caligula. And anybody who’s been in the Navy knows it,” he said.

No politicians have come forward to take over Massa’s seat. One candidate said, “I don’t think anybody wants to be anywhere near his seat right now. I wouldn’t sit there. Who knows what you might catch?”